Friday, February 12, 2010

Nasty little tricks

It's Valentine's Day, and that means it's time to pay quadrupled flower prices, tempt a diabetic coma, and fall prey to the nastiest of nasty tricks.

It's time to set out the candy hearts.

Yep, in offices all over the U.S., people are dishing out a candy so popular that I can with ample certainty predict it's existence in your office right now, even as you read this rambling.  Those horrifically awful tasting heart-shaped chalk nuggets with ooey-gooey nonsense etched in their deceivingly colorful chests lure us all into the same trap.

There you are...minding your own business...just walking the halls of your office with a stride that says: "I'm headed somewhere to grab something that will perpetuate my very important list of goals for the day toward completion," when you turn the corner and see them.

There they are, just staring at you.  Tempting you with their lies.

Nasty candy hearts:  Hey there buddy.  Long time no see.

You:  You just keep your heart-mouth shut.  I know about you.  I remember what you did to me last time.

Nasty candy hearts:  Aw, baby...don't be like that.  I was having an off year...years.  You know I can't taste that bad...just look at how cute and sweet I look.  Betcha I taste better this year.  Betcha you'll LOVE me this year.


Nasty candy hearts:  Gosh...I'm...I'm sorry you feel that way.  I just...I just thought that maybe I could have a second chance.  I mean, it's Valentine's Day.  I just didn't want to waste away on a desk...but it's cool.  I understand.  I didn't....I didn't realize I'd hurt you...

You:  Aw, man.  Don't be like that.  You can't help that you're disgusting.  I mean, you don't store YOURSELF on a shelf for 335 days a year.  I just...yunno...I been hurt before.

Nasty candy hearts:  I know...I know.  I've made promises before, but this year is different.  I PROMISE.

You:   (sigh) Okay, okay.  I'll give you one more shot. 

You take a second, grab a couple of hearts with a suitable color, nice phrase, and no little chunks missing...

You:   (chew...chew...GULP!) filthy liar.

Nasty candy hearts: sucker.

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