Friday, February 12, 2010

Nasty little tricks

It's Valentine's Day, and that means it's time to pay quadrupled flower prices, tempt a diabetic coma, and fall prey to the nastiest of nasty tricks.

It's time to set out the candy hearts.

Yep, in offices all over the U.S., people are dishing out a candy so popular that I can with ample certainty predict it's existence in your office right now, even as you read this rambling.  Those horrifically awful tasting heart-shaped chalk nuggets with ooey-gooey nonsense etched in their deceivingly colorful chests lure us all into the same trap.

There you are...minding your own business...just walking the halls of your office with a stride that says: "I'm headed somewhere to grab something that will perpetuate my very important list of goals for the day toward completion," when you turn the corner and see them.

There they are, just staring at you.  Tempting you with their lies.

Nasty candy hearts:  Hey there buddy.  Long time no see.

You:  You just keep your heart-mouth shut.  I know about you.  I remember what you did to me last time.

Nasty candy hearts:  Aw, baby...don't be like that.  I was having an off year...years.  You know I can't taste that bad...just look at how cute and sweet I look.  Betcha I taste better this year.  Betcha you'll LOVE me this year.


Nasty candy hearts:  Gosh...I'm...I'm sorry you feel that way.  I just...I just thought that maybe I could have a second chance.  I mean, it's Valentine's Day.  I just didn't want to waste away on a desk...but it's cool.  I understand.  I didn't....I didn't realize I'd hurt you...

You:  Aw, man.  Don't be like that.  You can't help that you're disgusting.  I mean, you don't store YOURSELF on a shelf for 335 days a year.  I just...yunno...I been hurt before.

Nasty candy hearts:  I know...I know.  I've made promises before, but this year is different.  I PROMISE.

You:   (sigh) Okay, okay.  I'll give you one more shot. 

You take a second, grab a couple of hearts with a suitable color, nice phrase, and no little chunks missing...

You:   (chew...chew...GULP!) filthy liar.

Nasty candy hearts: sucker.

Unspoken notice...

There are a few times in life that are awkward regardless of your graciousness, or effort to do it the "right way."

"Hey, man...your uh, your fly is down." 

"What? No way, I'd never pee in the shower."

"I'm SO glad you dumped that chick.  She was such an idiot.
   I mean really, who says 'wolf' as 'wuff?'"
   "Yeah, we totally made up. We're going out again."
   ", she's hot at least, right?"

And finally, the event that leads me to this monologue to begin with: 

"To whom it may concern...I will be vacating my current position...benefited from this experience...
   hope you and your company all the best..."

Yeah, man.  It doesn't get any more awkward than working through your notice.  Even in the best possible scenarios, everything exists on two levels; spoken, and wish I'd spoken it.

Coworker: So you're leaving, huh?
actual thought:  You suck.  Now I have one less person to whine with.

You: Yep.  I really don't hate it here, it's just a really good opportunity.
actual thought:  I know, I know...but you'd leave if you could too.

Coworker:  Well, good luck.  We'll miss you!!!
actual thought:  you and I will never speak again.  This will not be the result of outright animosity, but instead is just the reality of work relationships.  We'll talk about maintaining communication on Facebook, but will in reality hide each other after we get tired of reading status updates that are unrelated to us, or our interests.  

Boss:  So you're moving on, aye?
actual thought:  you ungrateful so-n-so.  You come, learn a skill, and leave.  So glad we could be a stepping stone.  Oh well, at least I won't have to deal with all your requests off and cursing at machinery.

You:  Yeah, I've really enjoyed this job.  I don't have any ill-will–it's just an opportunity I don't think I can pass up.
actual thought:  jeez...why is he staring at me like that.  You'd think I just wizzed on his azaleas.

Boss:  Well, good luck.
actual thought:  Riiiiight.  Opportunity, opporschmunity.  I should have known you were bailing when you requested off sick twice in a month.

In some ways, I think work relationships would be easier if they were like romantic relationships.  Someone decides it's not working, they end it, they walk away and immediately call the relationship they broke up with you for.

On the other hand, in my experience that usually leads to dealing with a lot of questions, and explanations and summarily pathetic behavior.  I mean, really...why would ANYONE leave me?